What is Parallel Parenting?
So, you’ve signed the co-parenting agreement. You’ve spoken with your legal counsel. You’ve done everything in your power to ensure that you and your co-parent have it all in order to raise your children as best you can following finalizing your divorce or separation. But there’s one thing that keeps popping back up as you go about this process, one nagging detail that threatens to spoil all the hard work you’ve put in to move forward: you and your ex just can’t communicate with each other.
Whether it be about custody, finances, visitation, or even the weather, you and your co-parent can’t seem to get along. And speak nothing of the different approaches you both take in raising the children; one of you may be more lax in their parenting style, the other more strict and authoritarian and it causes frequent clashing between the two of you and confuses the children who just want to regain some sense of normalcy following their family being upended. When your child’s future hinges on how well you and your co-parent can set dates, confirm plans, follow the conditions set forth by their custody agreement, and even what style of parenting you both choose to use it’s very important to consider your options on how you two will approach each other. And if you find that civility isn’t in the cards when you speak, perhaps it’s time to think about adopting the parallel parenting method.
Psychology Today defines ‘parallel parenting’ as an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner. Essentially, this means that both parties operate near independently of one another as it pertains to raising their children. Where other co-parents may have softer, more flexible ways to plan how to share time with their kids, the key to parallel parenting is that terms of custody/visitation are stated in clear-cut and unambiguous rules as to limit contact between the two as much as possible.
A custody arrangement for co-parents using parallel parenting may include things like:
A fixed calendar full of pre-set dates, specified visitiations, and events.
Previously agreed-upon pickup/dropoff locations and records of who will be responsible for transporting the children.
Contingency plans for missed visitations, late arrivals, and denials of one parent to another.
Parallel parenting may require a mediator, either one appointed to them by the courts or a trusted family member, to hold onto a copy of the custody agreement and ensure that all parties are acting in accordance to it. And although the objective of this co-parenting style is to limit contact between the parents as much as possible, having reliable channels of communicating is imperative; be sure to state beforehand how both parties would prefer to be contacted, whether that be by text or email, as to avoid jams and quarrels when emergencies or plan changes come up.
When laid out like this, one might say that parallel parenting is a very harsh way to go about raising children but that’s hardly the case. While there is great stringency inherent in it, just because two people don’t make a good couple doesn’t mean that they can’t be good parents to their children. Choosing to go this route as co-parents is a sign of self-awareness and dedication to doing what’s best for themselves and the children involved.
