Overcoming Co-Parenting Conflict

You love your child, your co-parent loves your child, but the lawyers and judges don’t. So why let them decide what’s best for your child? Under an objective and dispassionate lens, this statement provides a clear-cut framework and encouragement for you and your co-parent to independently resolve your child custody dispute without litigation.

However, I have witnessed otherwise reasonable and respectable parents have their better judgment devoured in child custody, access, and support litigation. In those circumstances, no one wins except for the lawyers, which gives the domestic court system justification of its existence.

If you or a friend ever find yourself overwhelmed in conflict, there are a few guidelines to bring you back from the deep, helping you make joint decisions in your child’s best interest. Read on and discover what they are.

1. It’s not about you, it’s about the children.

If you learned that the college savings plan for your children was going bankrupt you would withdraw your money or if you saw your child about to walk off a 100-foot cliff you would stop them.

Domestic litigation redirects financial assets away from your children and can have a damaging impact on children’s emotional, social, and academic development. While you and your co-parent deal with these details in court, ultimately, your children will live with the end results of those decisions. So before you pay that $10,000 retainer, ask yourself: Is it possible for my co-parent and I to talk through these issues ourselves to meet the needs of our children?

You and your co-parent may experience breakdowns in communication but that’s OK. Your children are worth multiple attempts. Instead of thinking about what ammunition you can provide your lawyer to be awarded sole custody, take a different approach. Reflect on when your child finishes high school, and think about the kind of person you want them to be, and the resources you want them to enjoy.

Now ask yourself: Do your efforts in litigation help them achieve their goals? Absent abuse or neglect, generally, they don’t.

No one parent has all the answers. Willingly doing it by yourself is a disservice to you and your child. Domestic litigation pushes you and your co-parent further apart, making it more difficult to effectively co-parent. Put their best interest first in decision-making and you will enjoy the benefits.

2. Your words are your tools—build don’t destroy.

Words and delivery matter, and intentions are often misunderstood, so be deliberate and thoughtful in your communications. I used to have clients come into my office showing me emails and text messages from their former spouse or co-parent. They would have this look of relief and pleasure, saying to me, “With this I know we can ‘win.’” The look would soon vanish when I would ask them: “Let me see what you wrote or responded with.” It’s all evidence and although your co-parent used language that would be offensive to the most reprehensible being, you engaged with them when you responded in kind. I get it.

We all have moments, but in your co-parenting relationship you have to exercise discipline and restraint, especially when it relates to effectively and productively communicating about the children. The intimacy ended, but communication about the best interest of the child will go on forever, so use your tools wisely.

3. The devil can’t dance with you if you don’t join in.

When I was about nine years old I had a vicious encounter with a dog that required a hospital visit and stitches, but I deserved every stitch, because I engaged the dog when the owner emphatically advised otherwise. Although you may sometimes think and feel it, your co-parent is not an animal. However, engaging in reckless behavior can unsettle the foundations of a positive co-parenting relationship.

For example, if your family members are speaking negatively about your co-parent in front of your child – end the conversation, change subject, or remove yourself and your child from the conversation. Negative dialogue about the other parent in front of the child is generally an unscrupulous variable in a co-parenting relationship.

There will be a plethora of opportunities for you to engage your co-parent on negative terms, but how does that advance the best interest of your child? The tread on your tires may be worn thin from taking the “high road.” Remember, it’s not about you, but the best interest of the child.

4. This too shall pass, but it may leave a mark.

At some point you and your co-parent will resolve your differences and engage in settling matters related to your children without advice from the court or counsel from lawyers. It may be after ten courts events, after a life-altering experience, or the realization that domestic litigation can be counterproductive.

Unfortunately, there is no refund on the tolls paid to gain life experience and perspective. You could have a little mark like my dog bite (see above), or it could be a financially and emotionally debilitating encounter taking years to recover. You know how you want the story to end, so take steps in the present to design the desired future outcome. More importantly, mitigate the personal stress you will endure. Being a parent is tough enough, why make your journey more difficult?

5. You know what’s best for your children.

You have a fundamental right to parent your child, so why would you allow a person you don’t know to make decisions for your children? It’s the equivalent of allowing someone to litigate how you will enjoy your life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness—and their decision is binding. Your efforts in amending those decisions may cost you $7000 or more. Plus, there is no guarantee it will be amended.

Every parent has dreams for their child and most times those dreams don’t include asking permission from the court on how those dreams will be actualized. You and your co-parent are no longer together but that does not mean you cannot productively build a positive community and ecosystem in which your children can thrive.

Trust yourself and commit to the fact that nobody can do it better all while keeping the best interest of your child first.