Things I Wish You'd Said: Building Your Child's Confidence During Divorce
Sometimes in life, the most painful injuries come from the hits we see coming. It’s like when the body tenses up and the eyes squeeze shut in the few seconds before a car accident or a slap to the face, but the impact rattles you all the same. A forceful slam that upends your stability and sends you hurtling against inertia, leaving you to wonder how you could’ve been staggered so greatly when you knew what was about to happen. I felt such an inversion when I learned that my parents were getting a divorce.
I witnessed the volatility of my parents’ marriage reach fever pitch with my own eyes and pleaded with them in a desperate voice to stop, but hearing my mother tearfully tell me that she was planning on divorcing my father still broke my heart. I remember the dissonance I underwent, how quickly I shifted from begging them not to fight to almost falling to my knees in protest at the thought of them leaving each other. At only eight years old, I felt the crushing weight of guilt as my parents’ imminent divorce became a mountainous shadow over my life.
It took several months for my parents’ divorce to be finalized, and looking back I can only remember the impenetrable sadness that hung over my family during that time. It was characterized by loneliness as both of my parents abandoned me and my siblings in some my capacity: my father in a physical sense and my mother in an emotional and mental sense. I, being the oldest, had to pick up the slack by putting on the strong face for my mom and younger siblings; ‘Someone has to be tough,’ my young mind surmised. ‘It’ll have to be me.’
But now, in hindsight, I wish someone had told me that I didn’t have to be ‘strong’, that I was allowed to feel the pain and grief that my family as I knew it was becoming undone. It is so important to come to children whose parents are going through divorce and remind them of these things:
“It’s okay to not be okay.”
Too often in my experience did I have adults coming up to me and praising me for appearing stony in the face of my parents’ divorce. I was lauded as ‘mature’ or ‘wise beyond my years’, and though these compliments made the pain I was carrying feel a bit lighter for a moment they only reinforced the childish idea that I needed to hide how I was feeling to make things easier for those around me. Children going through divorce are children first and should be allowed to go through a full breadth of emotions as they learn to process what’s happening.
“You’re important.”
One of the feelings I, and many other children, had to confront most during divorce was believing that I was worthless. In the emotionally-charged and often draining proceedings, I felt like an afterthought at best and a burden at worst. This was compounded by my father’s abandonment and my mother tending to overlook me to deal with my younger siblings and her own anguish. I wish at any point, she or any adult could’ve stopped and told me that I mattered so that I wouldn’t have felt that I was in the way.
“I love you and I’m here for you.”
It can be heartbreaking to realize what may slip through the cracks in the midst of a divorce. There would be days between any displays of affection; I remember listlessly haunting the halls of my grandmother’s home, peeking around corners at my mom in hopes that she’d notice me and feel my burning need to be held. I can’t help but think about how much I needed reassurance that I was loved because as a child the obvious truth that my mother cared for me would sometimes get blurred behind layers of fog and self-doubt. If you as a parent find yourself wandering listlessly as you go through divorce, check around the corner— you may spot a little one going through the same thing waiting for you to notice them.
I don’t blame my mother for how she responded to the stress of getting a divorce and she has since regained her happiness and clarity. I just don’t want any other children to be left to wonder if they’re loved or good enough during a tough time like this. The impact is thought to be the worst part, but it’s everything after that matters most to ensure that everyone gets back on their feet. Children need someone there to take the pain away and, to eventually, encourage them to open their eyes once more.
